"On reflection, I'll leave this thread open for further comment, then edit it to a useful FAQ a la UseNet"

The people who ask the type of questions that are answered in a FAQ are the type of people who won't read a FAQ. As an example, comp.lang.c has an excellent, comprehensive FAQ (it was even published as a book a few years ago) yet half the questions on that group are answered in the FAQ. The other half are off-topic.

Why don't you replace the forum page with the FAQ and hide the forum behind the 'FAQ' button at the left? That way the only people who will be able to access the forum will be those with the wit to click on the 'FAQ' button.

Oh, and don't forget to write the FAQ in fluent SMS. If you're not up to that, go for gibberish instead. I hear it's very nice in Gibber at this time of year, if you need to brush up your gibberish you might consider a short holiday there?